Debra Wesselmann says children’s rejection of a protective parent can be a survival response

Trauma therapist Debra Wesselmann says children in high-conflict separations may reject a protective parent because of emotional pressure, not a lack of love. She urges parents to stay consistent and emotionally available so attachment bonds can recover over time.

Why it matters: - Children in high-conflict separations can be pushed into what Debra Wesselmann describes as survival mode. - The dynamic can damage attachment, increase confusion, and make reunification harder if protective parents react with anger or withdraw. - Wesselmann says steady connection from a protective parent can help preserve the relationship while a child is under emotional pressure.

What happened: - Debra Wesselmann, a trauma therapist and author, addressed why children may appear to choose one parent over another during high-conflict separations. - Wesselmann said the behavior is often not a true choice, but a response to coercive control and attachment disruption within the family system. - She was responding to recent clinical discussions, including a Psychology Today article on coercive control and attachment disruption.

The details: - Wesselmann says a child’s apparent rejection of a safe parent can reflect an attachment injury rather than a phase or simple disagreement. - Children can feel pulled between emotional safety with a consistent parent and the need to earn approval from an inconsistent or rejecting parent. - Wesselmann calls that conflict a “double bind.” - In that bind, a child may feel forced to give up a secure connection with one parent to maintain acceptance from the other. - Wesselmann says the child often does not fully recognize the conflict. - The result can be confusion, fear, and a fractured sense of identity. - She says these patterns often intensify after separation or divorce, when children are already dealing with lost routine and stability. - Children may look aligned with one parent on the outside while feeling uncertain internally. - Wesselmann says attachment bonds are resilient, even when a child seems distant or rejecting. - She says the connection with a protective parent may remain present even when it is not visible. - Wesselmann advises protective parents to remain steady, open, and emotionally connected. - She says consistency, emotional safety, and avoiding angry reactions help keep the door open for reconnection.

Between the lines: - Wesselmann’s framing shifts the issue away from a simple loyalty split and toward emotional coercion inside a stressed family system. - That matters because it suggests a child’s rejection may be a symptom of pressure, not proof that the parent-child bond is broken. - The message for protective parents is counterintuitive: calm persistence may do more to rebuild trust than confrontation.

What's next: - Wesselmann says patience, emotional availability, and long-term consistency can improve the odds of restoring the relationship over time. - She says that approach also gives a child a more stable foundation for healing from attachment trauma. - Wesselmann, who specializes in attachment-focused treatment for children, adults, and families, is available for interviews. - More information: the company announcement

The bottom line: - A child rejecting a protective parent during separation may be signaling pressure and fear, not the absence of love.